Back To School

Well, my application for grad school is lying on the table in front of me, sealed and stamped and ready to go in the mail tomorrow. Interestingly, it is somewhat an emotional experience for me.

I have prayed about this, and I truly feel like it is the next step in God's plan for my life, but it is still a bit tough. I guess I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited about the long-term outcome of becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner and the ways I will be able to use that training in ministry. I am intimidated by the thought of writing papers and studying for exams again, all while trying to raise 4 kids and work and keep up my life as it is now. I am excited about the opportunity to do something I enjoy, to stretch my brain, to re-gain a bit of the woman I have lost somewhere in my laundry room.

But I am also a good bit saddened by the closure this brings to the baby stage of my life. Annie is almost 18 months, not a baby anymore, and it's a little difficult for me to let go of the thought of another pregnancy. I guess God can always intervene on that one, but, with this transition in my life, Chad and I are intentionally moving forward and taking our family with us. Thankfully, God has given me a kind of vision for my family that we can only reach as my kids mature, both physically and spiritually, and sometimes that vision is the only thing that keeps me from holding tightly to the desire to being a mother of babies. Honestly, maybe I'm a little afraid. I feel confident in my ability to parent infants and toddlers, but I'm not as confident in my ability to parent older children and teenagers. I expect that fear is not uncommon but, nonetheless, it is mine.

So, I will mail my application tomorrow and wait patiently for a reply. I will anticipate the start of classes with both excitement and apprehension. As I wait, I will pray that God will give me the confidence to continue becoming the woman He is creating me to be for He promised me that He is not finished yet.